Andy’s Bar Basement to Reopen as a “Bear Bar”

By: Gary Wooten

As many of you may have noticed, the basement of Andy’s Bar has been shut down for a remodeling of sorts, both in terms of physical appearance as well as concept. It was announced earlier this week that the new identity the space will take on will be that of a “Bear Bar”. That is to say that the bar will cater mostly to a husky, hairy, homosexual clientell. Take THAT Donald Trump!

The new bar, set to be renamed Balzacks, will also feature live acapella music as well as an entirely hotdog menu.

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Beth Marie’s Unveils New “Midlake” Flavored Ice Cream

By: Larry Miller

Denton’s longest standing locally owned ice cream parlor announced today that a variety of new flavors will be on sale this Spring, among them a Midlake themed flavor in honor of the famous local indie rock band.

Described as a completely generic and utterly forgettable flavor, Midlake ice cream is also said to contain a powerful narcotic that induces immediate sleep for those that consume it. “We really needed something that encapsulated what that band is all about and what it means to Denton. So, we went with a totally flavorless ice cream that put people to sleep,” said owner Randy Cox. ¬†“I’d already forgotten what it tastes like till someone reminded me.”

The new flavor has already been quite popular in Europe for some time now and is being hailed by elitist douche bags as “genius”.

Oaktopia 2017 Cancelled

By: Brian DeLuco

In an official statement released this week by festival founder Matt Battaglia, it was announced that the Oaktopia music festival will be cancelled for the 2017 season, due in part to lack of funding.

‘We really had something special,” Battaglia sobbed through his words in a recent youtube video, “We proved that if you spent a ton of private investor money on booking really expensive and obscure bands that had virtually no way for making a legitimate financial return, told¬†people that said bands were cool, and got a lot of underage kids incredibly drunk, we could mascaraed as a “culture festival” for the sole purpose of jerking ourselves off. I could even get girls to think I was really cool in the process! Even my liberal arts douche of a brother would get some run-off pussy!”

Private investor and LSA owner Sparky Pearson withdrew his financial backing of the festival when Oaktopia booking staff refused to meet contractual obligations that included having the festival headlined by Boz Skaggs.

“These fucking kids don’t know what real music is,” said Pearson. “Why, in my day a man could get a handjob by putting on a Dan Fogelberg album and popping the collar on his leisure suit.”

Upon the announcement, Brent Camp finally removed his Buc-ees t-shirt.