By: “Fast” Eddie Farmer
As the development of the Tiny Acres Midget Community broke ground last Fall, it wasn’t readily apparent what economic effect the planned community for primordial dwarves and little people would have on the local economy.
“We were afraid at first,” said City Councilman Kevin Roden. “The little bastards are known to burrow, so we initially were terrified that their incessant digging would lead to foundation issues for certain homes. But, honestly, the price of Hawaiian Punch has tripled (little people are known to covet the famous fruity drink) and with so many gawkers trying to get houses near the midgets, even home values in the South part of Denton have increased drastically. Who knew all you needed was a pan flute? The second you start playing, them little fellers’ go into some kind of trance and start baking. It’s the damndest thing.”
Many in Denton don’t share Councilman Roden’s enthusiasm. Ferrell midget attacks have accounted for the vast majority of dwarf-related fatalities on humans in 2016, and it is expected to increase this year as recent conservation programs have led to a greater population.
All that is known is that very soon, the midgets will be coming for you.
By: Brian DeLuco
It was announced late Tuesday evening that local sports bar the Labb with be closing in early June 2017 and will be replaced by a Foot Locker franchised storefront. The news comes as a shock to many patrons of the local tavern who have begun congregating on Oak St for a memorial chicken wing vigil.
Details of the corporate takeover are vague, but it is believed to be part of the same Scientology conspiracy that brought Jason Lee and his investor Sparky Pearson to Denton.
By: Matilda Shreves May 2, 2017
The body of a man was found early this morning on the patio deck of the local Eastside Denton tavern. Police have yet to release a name, but the corpse is believed to belong to a man still waiting on his girlfriend to come back from the bathroom.
“At first, we didn’t think much of it.” said owner John Williams. “Dudes sometimes have to wait a long time for girls to come back from the bathroom. Especially if there’s make-up involved, plus they bump into friends and end up getting shots. I’ve even heard of girls pooping sometimes and that can take a while if they just ate something from one of these food trucks. This guy must have just started waiting and died from exposure.”
A memorial fund is being raised to cover the body’s outstanding bar tab.