Denton City Council Candidate John Ryan Kicks Puppy

By: Barney LaChance                                                                          4/25/2017

As the local Denton elections draw near, news has surfaced of a video recorded several years ago depicting Denton City Council Place 4 candidate John Ryan kicking a puppy in his back yard. While it is not known whether Mr. Ryan will face any criminal charges, this seems to be good news for his opponent Amanda Servis who has a long history of not kicking puppies and whose service to the community knows no bounds.

 

Warning: The Video Is Graphic

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Bernie Sanders Claims Jessie Frye is Why He Lost 2016 Nomination

By: Kyle Greene                                                                                            April 19, 2017

In a recent statement released on his personal twitter account, former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders claims an endorsement by Denton “artist” Jessie Frye cost him the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination.

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The charge seems a bit strange, considering both the facts that Bernie Sander was trailing Hillary Clinton nearly the entire nomination process and that Jessie Frye was utterly clueless that she was even endorsing a political candidate of any type.

When asked to comment on this story, Frye replied “Thank you for your interest in my music” followed by nearly 34,000 smiley face emojis.

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Fine Arts Building to Become Ice Cream Shop for Cats

By: Larry Zerner                                                                           April 19, 2017

 

Multi-Millionaire developer and LSA Burger owner Sparky Pearson has pledged to rebrand the historic downtown Denton Fine Arts Building into Freezy Kitties, an ice cream shop for cats. The shop is said to be the first of its kind in the city of Denton.

“I do it for the pussy,” Pearson stated in a recent interview. “I already own every major business on the square geared towards human customers. Now I’d like to take a crack at getting some feline customers.” This bold strategy is sure to be a hit among the hipster elite.

The shop will feature flavors like “Rocky Rodent” and “Mississippi Mouse” along with a horde of hilariously titled fish, bird, and small mammal flavors. Famous cat food chef and television personality Rachel Ray is also said to be an investor in the venture.

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The project is said to begin early this Summer and be completed by mid-June.

Denton Arts and Jazz Fest Bans Turkey Legs

By: Brian DeLuca                                                                         April 19, 2017

 

Officials announced late Tuesday evening that the Denton Arts and Jazz Festival will no longer be allowing the sale or consumption of fried turkey legs beginning with the 2017 festival. The new change in policy stems from a lawsuit filed by the Chick-Fil-A Corporation, a major financial contributor to the festival, who claims the celebrated fare will be unfair and direct competition with their own brand of chicken sandwiches.

“We won,” said City Councilman Kevin Roden. “Those turkey legs have been a nuisance for years, and it seems only fitting that a good Christian corporation should be the one to take them down! Bwahahahahaha!”

While it isn’t likely his enthusiasm will be shared, what is known is that only a turkey would be happy about something like that.

Dusty’s Bar Forces New Employees to Submit to Experimental Medical Tests

By: Jesse Farquar

It was leaked via facebook over this last weekend that Dusty’s Bar in Denton requires new hires to sign waivers that allow tavern owners to conduct scientific experiments and perform organ harvesting procedures on employees. In addition, the cost of the medical experiments will be taken out of the employee’s paycheck.

Also, Masters of the Mic is happening soon, but not at Dusty’s because of the medical experiments…

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“Stone Cold” Steve Austin to Deliver UNT Class of 2017 Commencement Speech

By: Dennis Stamp

Graduation season is fast approaching for the student body of the University of North Texas, and school officials say they will be changing up the usual format of the graduation ceremony.

Former WWE World Heavyweight Champion and UNT alumnus, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, has been confirmed to deliver the commencement speech for the Class of 2017 and will also be wrestling several members of the Board of Directors in a live Hell-in-a-Cell match at the UNT Coliseum. This will be Austin’s first in ring performance since 2003, after having several neck vertebrae broken by Owen Hart.