Property Values Increase Dramatically with Planned Development of “Little People” Community in South Denton

By: “Fast” Eddie Farmer

As the development of the Tiny Acres Midget Community broke ground last Fall, it wasn’t readily apparent what economic effect the planned community for primordial dwarves and little people would have on the local economy.

“We were afraid at first,” said City Councilman Kevin Roden. “The little bastards are known to burrow, so we initially were terrified that their incessant digging would lead to foundation issues for certain homes. But, honestly, the price of Hawaiian Punch has tripled (little people are known to covet the famous fruity drink) and with so many gawkers trying to get houses near the midgets, even home values in the South part of Denton have increased drastically. Who knew all you needed was a pan flute? The second you start playing, them little fellers’ go into some kind of trance and start baking. It’s the damndest thing.”

Many in Denton don’t share Councilman Roden’s enthusiasm. Ferrell midget attacks have accounted for the vast majority of dwarf-related fatalities on humans in 2016, and it is expected to increase this year as recent conservation programs have led to a greater population.

All that is known is that very soon, the midgets will be coming for you.

 

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The Labb to Close and be Replaced by Foot Locker

By: Brian DeLuco

It was announced late Tuesday evening that local sports bar the Labb with be closing in early June 2017 and will be replaced by a Foot Locker franchised storefront. The news comes as a shock to many patrons of the local tavern who have begun congregating on Oak St for a memorial chicken wing vigil.

Details of the corporate takeover are vague, but it is believed to be part of the same Scientology conspiracy that brought Jason Lee and his investor Sparky Pearson to Denton.

Worst of Denton 2017 – Nomination Form

Yes, it’s that time of the year again! Please nominate the absolute worst of every category. Once we have the nominations, voting will begin and you will have your Worst of Denton. We will being giving awards to all the losers and filming for our blog. You won’t want to miss this.

Body Found on Patio Deck at Eastside Denton

By: Matilda Shreves                                                                                     May 2, 2017

The body of a man was found early this morning on the patio deck of the local Eastside Denton tavern. Police have yet to release a name, but the corpse is believed to belong to a man still waiting on his girlfriend to come back from the bathroom.

“At first, we didn’t think much of it.” said owner John Williams. “Dudes sometimes have to wait a long time for girls to come back from the bathroom. Especially if there’s make-up involved, plus they bump into friends and end up getting shots. I’ve even heard of girls pooping sometimes and that can take a while if they just ate something from one of these food trucks. This guy must have just started waiting and died from exposure.”

A memorial fund is being raised to cover the body’s outstanding bar tab.

Denton City Council Candidate John Ryan Kicks Puppy

By: Barney LaChance                                                                          4/25/2017

As the local Denton elections draw near, news has surfaced of a video recorded several years ago depicting Denton City Council Place 4 candidate John Ryan kicking a puppy in his back yard. While it is not known whether Mr. Ryan will face any criminal charges, this seems to be good news for his opponent Amanda Servis who has a long history of not kicking puppies and whose service to the community knows no bounds.

 

Warning: The Video Is Graphic

Bernie Sanders Claims Jessie Frye is Why He Lost 2016 Nomination

By: Kyle Greene                                                                                            April 19, 2017

In a recent statement released on his personal twitter account, former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders claims an endorsement by Denton “artist” Jessie Frye cost him the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination.

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The charge seems a bit strange, considering both the facts that Bernie Sander was trailing Hillary Clinton nearly the entire nomination process and that Jessie Frye was utterly clueless that she was even endorsing a political candidate of any type.

When asked to comment on this story, Frye replied “Thank you for your interest in my music” followed by nearly 34,000 smiley face emojis.

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Fine Arts Building to Become Ice Cream Shop for Cats

By: Larry Zerner                                                                           April 19, 2017

 

Multi-Millionaire developer and LSA Burger owner Sparky Pearson has pledged to rebrand the historic downtown Denton Fine Arts Building into Freezy Kitties, an ice cream shop for cats. The shop is said to be the first of its kind in the city of Denton.

“I do it for the pussy,” Pearson stated in a recent interview. “I already own every major business on the square geared towards human customers. Now I’d like to take a crack at getting some feline customers.” This bold strategy is sure to be a hit among the hipster elite.

The shop will feature flavors like “Rocky Rodent” and “Mississippi Mouse” along with a horde of hilariously titled fish, bird, and small mammal flavors. Famous cat food chef and television personality Rachel Ray is also said to be an investor in the venture.

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The project is said to begin early this Summer and be completed by mid-June.

Denton Arts and Jazz Fest Bans Turkey Legs

By: Brian DeLuca                                                                         April 19, 2017

 

Officials announced late Tuesday evening that the Denton Arts and Jazz Festival will no longer be allowing the sale or consumption of fried turkey legs beginning with the 2017 festival. The new change in policy stems from a lawsuit filed by the Chick-Fil-A Corporation, a major financial contributor to the festival, who claims the celebrated fare will be unfair and direct competition with their own brand of chicken sandwiches.

“We won,” said City Councilman Kevin Roden. “Those turkey legs have been a nuisance for years, and it seems only fitting that a good Christian corporation should be the one to take them down! Bwahahahahaha!”

While it isn’t likely his enthusiasm will be shared, what is known is that only a turkey would be happy about something like that.

Dusty’s Bar Forces New Employees to Submit to Experimental Medical Tests

By: Jesse Farquar

It was leaked via facebook over this last weekend that Dusty’s Bar in Denton requires new hires to sign waivers that allow tavern owners to conduct scientific experiments and perform organ harvesting procedures on employees. In addition, the cost of the medical experiments will be taken out of the employee’s paycheck.

Also, Masters of the Mic is happening soon, but not at Dusty’s because of the medical experiments…

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“Stone Cold” Steve Austin to Deliver UNT Class of 2017 Commencement Speech

By: Dennis Stamp

Graduation season is fast approaching for the student body of the University of North Texas, and school officials say they will be changing up the usual format of the graduation ceremony.

Former WWE World Heavyweight Champion and UNT alumnus, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, has been confirmed to deliver the commencement speech for the Class of 2017 and will also be wrestling several members of the Board of Directors in a live Hell-in-a-Cell match at the UNT Coliseum. This will be Austin’s first in ring performance since 2003, after having several neck vertebrae broken by Owen Hart.